How to Pee With Morning Wood

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Sonic
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How to Pee With Morning Wood

Postby Sonic » Fri Apr 17, 2009 4:30 pm

This is a must-have guide and was a problem I always faced until these solutions!


Every morning men wake up to this catch-22: you desperately have to pee, but you have an erection, which makes it hard to urinate, but the hard-on won't go away until you empty your bladder. It's almost impossible to aim at the toilet when your penis is pointing the wrong way, so you end up peeing on the wall, the floor, or yourself.

You may have developed your own technique for dealing with this catch-22, but if not, here are some methods to take care of the aiming part, customized for the angle of your dangle.

The Flying Wallenda

If your erection angles up acutely, pointing at the ceiling, youre out of luck. Your best bet is to install a trapeze over your toilet so you can hang upside down and let gravity do the rest. Warning: Attempting this maneuver using the shower curtain rod may result in head injury.

Strong Arming

This is the brute force method. If your penis points straight out or up, you may have to bend it to your will. Grasp the shaft or press down on the top gently but firmly so your boner bends downward, pointing toward the bowl. Keep the pressure on and dont let it slip, or you may end up spraying the wall or squirting yourself in the face. Note: In some cases this wont work because bending constricts the flow of urine too much. If your erection is too hard, dont force it down you could break something, seriously.

The Lunge

If your morning wood slopes at a downward angle, consider yourself blessed. All you need to do is lunge forward so your stream of urine angles into the toilet. This prevents you from overshooting the bowl. Toward the end, as your stream gets weaker, you can deepen the lunge to avoid dribbling on the floor.

Downward Dog

This position will work for just about anybody, but it is a little difficult to get into, and if someone walks in on you potentially kind of embarrassing. Stand facing away from the toilet, with a foot on either side of the bowl. Bend forward at the waist until youre touching the floor (or the opposing wall, or the tub, depending on your bathroom layout). Adjust your stance so your junk is well inside the bowl - you don't want the pee to run down your front. If you get caught, claim that you like to wake up with a morning yoga workout.

Note: This position may encourage you to take better aim in general, since it will bring you face-to-face with the residue of near-misses and splatters that coat the floor and outer bowl surface.

The Plank

Another one for guys who point straight out or slightly down. Stand a foot or two away from the toilet and lean forward, supporting your weight by putting your hands on the wall above the toilet. Take aim and hold your body rigid. This position also strengthens your abs and core muscles.

The Girly Man

Sometimes you just have to suck it up and sit down to pee. Sit on the john with your legs apart and lean forward so your penis points down into the bowl. You may have to press down on your erection slightly to make sure you don't pee out and down the front of the bowl. And no, sitting down doesnt make you any less manly, especially if there are extenuating circumstances. What? You say its so long you cant keep it from dragging in the water? Oh, alright then.

Leg Up

Its not uncommon to have an erection that curves to one side or the other. If yours does this, youll need to compensate accordingly. Use the bathroom walls to brace yourself as you balance on one foot and tilt your body until your curve is pointing down toward the toilet bowl. You might want to install a grab bar by the toilet if you do this regularly.

The Superman

If you're a man of steel in the morning, you might as well be a superhero. Tie on the bedsheet for a cape, mount the bowl in a single bound, and make like you're flying. Hopefully the pressure relief will be like Kryptonite for your boner.

I hope this guide was helpful for everyone here. I believe this should be stickied.

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Harness
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Postby Harness » Fri Apr 17, 2009 9:49 pm

umm... NSFW?
I type a bunch of shit then people go fuk themselves

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Darkfoxx
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Postby Darkfoxx » Fri Apr 17, 2009 9:54 pm

Shit man, we've all done this.
Gaming:

Workstation:

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Fist of the eskimo
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Postby Fist of the eskimo » Sat Apr 18, 2009 2:44 am

lol - found that a long time ago - my favourite is the superman because it's so impossible to do. Like the musles required to hold you up like that, then trying to relax to make tinkle I DON'T THINK SO.

Plus toilets are never designed to have that much open space around them, unless you're the pope or something and you just have a huge bathroom

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Tanis Half Elf
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Postby Tanis Half Elf » Sat Apr 18, 2009 5:15 am

I use a combination of the strong arm and the plank, about a 50/50.


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